Here’s a hilarious article from my co-contributor Old Pail. Enjoy!
Scary-Scale for The Paranormal
When visiting the doctor in pain you are inevitably asked to quantify the pain with a number. Paranormal experiences can be scary but how do we know exactly how scary? We need a well defined scale like the pain scale. Doctors give several examples of what a one or a ten is on the pain scale. They often use common injuries such as stubbing your toe for the rankings. I have taken it on myself to create a similar scale for paranormal experiences. With any luck it will be used, improved upon and become a standard of measurement that will advance the scientific nature of paranormal research. Let’s start!
Defining the numbers: Zero. Zero isn’t scary at all. In fact, to be a proper base ranking zero means you’re unconscious. Any awareness could bear with it some fear, however small, so we’ll start with zero being unconscious but not dreaming (dreams can be major scary).
Number One. Oddly number one does not include doing a number one in your pants–that comes latter. Number one is the level of mailing off your Avon order and not remembering if you stamped the envelope. Appropriate number one level responses might be saying, “Oh damn,” or thinking you might have something stuck in between your teeth.
Number Two. Similarly number two does not include doing number two (not just in your pants, but anywhere). The level of scariness here is in double take territory. You might think to yourself, “Did I just see what I thought I saw?” or wondering if the guy you’re with just grabbed your ass. Appropriate number two level responses might be rubbing your eyes or looking around like you actually wouldn’t mind finding something paranormal. Still not very scary (unless the guy you are with actually did grab your ass).
Number Three. The level of scariness is now effecting behavior. At a level three you might think of or suggest alternate activities or prefer the lights on. Talk about scary stuff will be less welcome similar to talking about barfing when your eating leftover stew.
Number Four. The level of scariness is now effecting physiology. Goose bumps and sweating are the most common but some people break out in hives. If you already had the chicken pocks you may be somewhat insulated from the effects at level four but it is no guarantee…
Number Five. Okay if you piss in you pants more than a few drops you are a total cupcake. Level five is where you weed out the newbies and move onto the scary stuff. Level five is not so much a level as a transitioning point from the spider on Johnny Quest scary to the “What did we just run over in the road?” scary.
Number Six. It’s still not normal to pee yet but it is okay to puke. Level six is where you are lobbing vehemently to go clubbing or return to the dorm to play drinking games. At level six everyone is now moving in a line with the bravest souls at the front and the chump at the rear. Most folks are sweating, goose bumpy, and have an increased snot production. Those who have not yet vomited will be feeling queasy as if they just spent an hour or two with a Jehovah’s Witness. Yes, you would be willing to buy several months worth of Watchtowers to go home right now. For some level six is a right of passage.
Level Seven. For those suffering loose bowels level seven could be it. Irritable bowel syndrome kicks into high gear at level seven. If you poop now your chances of staying in the game drop off drastically. For those with normal bowels seven is the level at which you try to rationalize the situation back down to a three. Seven is the level of disbelief.
Level Eight: Time to sweat and wet. At level eight your body liquids have had enough–they are getting the hell out of there with or without you. Snot, tears, drool, sweat, pee, extra runny earwax and that runny stuff you puke up after you already up-chucked. Some theorize it the body preparing for flight (reducing weight so you can take off). For some panic sets in. Because panic manifests itself differently in various individuals there is little more to say about the responses in level nine that would apply across the board.
Level Nine: Everybody poops. You are literally scared shitless! In some strange way dangling a dump in your drawers will nullified the other fear effects temporarily. At level nine half of your crew ran away and half can’t move. Some of those that ran away got lost and ended up right back where they started–they’re weeping profusely now. Oh and if your in a group at least one of you is producing an unnatural smell. Older folks are prone to things like dying or amnesia. Younger people may have the opposite effect and not die or forget the future.
Defining a 10: To be truly the top of the scale a ten must included every response in the scary range. To hit a ten you must have already: shit yourself, wet yourself, turned white or a ethnically appropriate equivalent, lost you mind, tripped over something, hallucinated, all hell breaking loose, thought you were dreaming, drooled, ripped a muscle, running aimlessly while waving your arms about your head, complete memory loss, stigmata, made a nonsensical utterance or began to speak in tongues, started hiccupping, checked to see if you lost your wallet or cell phone, actually in possession of an entire ball of wax, cardiac arrest, worried that you left the oven on at home, swearing off Ouija boards forever, regrets over not having sex with a real girl at least once, thought that you forgot to transfer cash from your savings account to cover a check, death, worried that you might be spotting thought your new tights, spontaneous human combustion, spontaneous organ rejection, fussed with your hair–In short everything but pass out, because if you pass out you are automatically at zero again.
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